


To Reach the Unreachable Star

by magicianparrish



Series: Garrison Days [6]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Adashi Breakup, Angst, Breakup Fic, Established Relationship, M/M, Pre-Kerberos Mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-04-21 08:54:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22058668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicianparrish/pseuds/magicianparrish
Summary: He loved his life on Earth, he felt a love so strong for Adam that sometimes it shocked him that he could feel that much for one thing, one person. But that love for Adam seemed to be in a constant tug of war with his love for the stars and the unknown. And lately, it seemed that Adam was starting to lose the battle. And it broke Shiro’s heart a little more every time he realized it. To top it, Shiro had a feeling Adam knew it too but was only tugging harder to keep his grip on Shiro’s heart and love.________________________________________________________A fic that leads to the initial breakup of Adashi due to the Kerberos Mission. Angst ensues. I'm sorry.
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron)
Series: Garrison Days [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1142894
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	To Reach the Unreachable Star

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is. Ending this year with an angsty bang. This is a fic that builds up to Adam and Shiro’s breakup leading up to the Kerberos Mission. The idea had been bugging me and literally made me lose sleep until I sat down and wrote some words out. So I wrote 7100 words on it in less than 24 hours. I try not to be too angsty because I want to spare you all the pain. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it :) And Happy New Year!
> 
> (and if you want to listen to the song that inspired this it’s The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha but the cover is Jennifer Hudson)

Shiro sat in the faculty lounge staring at the email before him. It had been sent by Sam Holt, one of his best friend’s father, but it was in a professional setting instead of the informal one he was used to. He didn’t know how many times his eyes had scanned it, reading the words over and over again. Each time hoping that he wasn’t dreaming, and it was in fact real. Shiro knew it was real because Sam wouldn’t pull his leg like that; not over something so monumental. A mission was being planned to head out to Kerberos, the lone moon that orbited Pluto all the way at the edge of the solar system. Like the myth, it was named after, the gateway from the known and into the unknown. It would be the farthest any Earth ship would go in the known reaches of space. And Sam had asked if Shiro would be a part of his three-man crew, which would also include his son, and best friend Matt. Sam had made it clear that Shiro wouldn’t only be going because of his exceptional piloting skills, but Shiro was also a scientist in his own right. Specializing in astrobiology, he could implement some of his research he had been working on in the labs based on what he would find out on the ice moon. His stomach was giddy with the butterflies, he could hardly contain his excitement. 

Shiro closed out of the email without responding and went to go find his fiancé, one of the many teachers at the Academy portion of the Garrison. He knew that Adam would be in his office by now, with most classes having ended by that time. Shiro couldn’t wait to share the news with him. He couldn’t help the little skip in his step as he rounded the corner and walked up to the familiar window and door to Adam’s office. The blinds were down (as usual), but he could see the light that was filtering through. He did their secret knock so that Adam would know it was him and not a student. 

“Come in!” the muffled voice came from inside. 

The automatic door opened and Shiro stepped inside allowing the door to close behind him. Adam was sitting at his desk, looking at the monitor and typing away something. A mug of his favorite chai was sitting next to his elbow, the steam still coming out from the rim. The light from the monitor reflected off his glasses, which were perched on his high bridge, but blocked his eyes from Shiro’s sight. Shiro made his way over to the couch in Adam’s office and fell down onto it, lying across it, though his legs hung off the arm. He tried to act casual, but he had so much energy pent up inside. He finally heard the sounds of the keyboard stop, and he looked up to his position to see that Adam had rolled over in his chair. He had a smile on his face that showed off his deep dimples as he stood up and went in for a kiss. It was short and sweet. 

“You are in a good mood,” Adam deduced. 

He motioned for Shiro to move his legs so that Adam could join him on the couch. Shiro obliged and Adam put his legs over his lap. It was no use, Shiro jumped up and started to pace. He was ready to explode he was so excited. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. 

“I got some news today,” he started with. 

Adam cocked his head and leaned back on the couch. He crossed his legs as he waited for what Shiro had to say. The smile didn’t leave his face. 

“Sam sent me a message saying I got the spot for the Kerberos mission.” 

Saying it to someone felt like the sky had finally been lifted off his shoulders. He felt light and free knowing that he could share it with the one person he loves the most in the world. Shiro noticed that Adam had been silent after the admission. He looked over to where his fiancé sat. Adam’s face was furrowed, he had put a fist to his mouth as if he was thinking hard about something. His brown eyes narrowed in on a spot on the floor. Shiro took a few steps forward towards him. 

“Adam?” he asked. Adam was startled out of his thoughts and looked up at Shiro. 

“Sorry,” he said. 

He took a deep breath and stood up. Shiro watched him walk back to his desk and grab the mug and take a sip of tea. Shiro noticed it was a mug that one of his students had gotten him one year. It was a simple white but had “I’m a math teacher, of course, I have problems” that was surrounded by various math symbols. When Adam had gotten it, he had laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe and had to wipe tears away from his eyes. He always kept in his office, as it was his designated “school mug”. He hissed a little from the heat of it but kept it wrapped in his hands. He shook his head again. 

“Sorry,” he repeated. “It is just a lot to take in.” 

He took a seat in his leather spin chair and moved it back closer to his desk. He lay back and let his long legs spread out before him. Shiro let out a sigh of relief, that he did not even realize he had begun to hold. He took one of the chairs that he reserved for students and brought it close to Adam. He put a comforting hand on Adam’s leg. 

“I know. It took me a few minutes to take it in too,” Shiro reassured. 

Adam nodded but didn’t say anything else for a few minutes. He just periodically took some slow sips from his mug. At one point he put it down and took his glasses off. He squinted at them before hastily cleaned them with a cloth he had pulled out from his desk. Adam pinched his nose and rubbed it before he put the glasses back on his face. 

“Kerberos,” he breathed out finally. “The guard dog of the Greek Underworld. The guardian of the known universe.” 

“Yeah,” Shiro said nodding his head. “It will be the farthest any piloted earth spacecraft has ever gone. I’ll be making history.” 

“Indeed,” Adam replied. His voice had taken a softness to it. His brown eyes still had a bit of a faraway look in them. He ran a hand over his face and then leaned forward on his desk. He rested his cheek in the palm of his hand. 

“How long will the mission take?” he wondered. 

Shiro leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs. “The memo said approximately eleven months there. And then another eleven months back. Plus the two months we will be on the moon grabbing evidence and studying it before bringing it back to Earth.”

Adam let out a hushed curse in his home language. He finally turned his attention to Shiro, his amber eyes boring into his. 

“That’s two years,” he pointed out. 

Shiro nodded. “I know.” 

Adam shook his head. “That’s a long time to be away. What about our wedding?” 

They had started the planning together, almost right after Shiro proposed to Adam. They agreed to at least a year of engagement before they finally would tie the knot. Adam wanted the wedding to be perfect but had required some talking into in order to not just jump right in. 

Shiro reached over and grabbed Adam’s left hand. The silver band glinted beautifully against his brown skin. He squeezed his hand and kissed it gently. 

“If our love is truly real, which I know it is, then it knows no bounds to time. We will be okay. The moment I set foot back on Earth, I will marry you. I promise,” Shiro swore. 

Adam did not say anything, but he squeezed his hand back. He looked down at the intertwined fingers and nodded. 

* * *

Shiro could see that Adam was trying to be supportive of his decision to officially join the Kerberos mission. When he, Adam, and Matt sat together for lunch, it was all they talked about. Matt was ecstatic to be a part of the mission which he had dubbed “the Dream Team”. All of them were scientists in one way or another. Shiro knew that Adam could appreciate the opportunities for new breakthroughs in science that could come about this mission. But something was holding him down, Shiro could see it. Even though Adam shrugged it off as nothing to be worried about. 

They all sat at one of the long tables in the cafeteria. Adam sat next to Shiro as he always did and Matt across so he could see them better. As he and Matt were bouncing ideas off each other, Shiro kept an eye on Adam. The other man had barely touched anything on his plate. Instead, he was just moving it around with his fork, and occasionally taking a bite when he felt he had been caught. He remained silent for most of the time, only adding a few words here or there. 

“Adam,” Shiro said softly. 

Adam lifted his head and quirked an eyebrow in a silent question. Some of his food was hanging lazily from his fork. Matt was watching them with curiosity, taking a sip from his cup. 

“Are you okay?” Shiro asked. 

Adam was quick to nod and put his fork down onto the plate. He wiped his mouth with the napkin and piled it on top. 

“I have to go. I must prepare for my next class.” He gave a small smile, that did not reach his eyes like it normally did. 

He picked up his tray and gave a quick goodbye kiss, which did not last as long as Shiro liked. Just a chaste kiss on the cheek before Adam left the table with his tray. Shiro followed his fiancé as he made his way through the crowds, and cleared his plate and exit through the doors. It was silent for a few moments before Matt broke it. 

“What’s wrong with him?” he wondered. 

Shiro let out a sigh and took a sip from the flavored water. It was one of the many things that had been approved by his doctor that wasn’t somehow going to be detrimental to his health in the long run. He was constantly reminded of his own mortality due to the cuffs that he had to wear in case his muscles decided to turn against him. It felt as if he were wearing handcuffs and he was just waiting for death to do her thing; which in the dim reality of his new life, it was. The diagnosis had come as a blow to Shiro, and also Adam. But he was determined not to let it defy him with whatever time he had left. And up until recently, Adam had been a hundred and ten percent supportive of that. The percentage seemed to be dwindling as of late, though Adam denied it. Whether it was denying it to Shiro, himself, or them both, was still elusive to Shiro though. 

“He’s just been a bit stressed out lately,” Shiro said as an excuse.

He didn’t want to drag anyone into their personal lives. They had always been private about their relationship. Not because they were ashamed, but Shiro had a bit of a reputation at the Garrison. With every record he broke, it only stoked the flames higher. With the reputation and little fame, it meant that people would be interested in his life. Adam had always been much more reserved than Shiro, and Shiro respected that deeply. 

Matt, who had known them for years, wasn’t buying what Shiro was selling. But because they had known each other for so long, he knew not to push. Though provocative in many ways, he knew boundaries when he chose to see them. Matt shoveled some food into his mouth and nodded. 

“Yeah, I mean teaching a bunch of middle schoolers would stress me out too,” he said, and effectively the topic was dropped.

* * *

When Shiro walked in through the door to their tiny apartment, he could smell that Adam was in the kitchen. Their two cats, Sema and Kiku came to greet him, but he couldn’t bear to pick them up, even though Sema was begging for it. It had been a particularly bad day for Shiro. His muscles had been acting up and caused him to botch some practice simulations for the necessary training. Every time his bracelets let out the beep and gave some electroshocks, it made Shiro wince, and not just because of the pain. The beeps were like nails on a chalkboard. His right arm was particularly bad, and he could barely move his fingers. On top of it, he could feel one of his migraines coming on; normally the scent of Adam’s cooking sent him running to the kitchen, but the smell of the spices made him want to throw up. So he ran to the bathroom and did. 

When he finished, he quickly brushed his teeth and rinsed his mouth of the residue of vomit. He opened the medicine cabinet they kept, where the row of orange bottles stared at him like a taunt. He searched for the one that would relieve his pain of the oncoming migraine first. He would have to take his normal muscle relaxers later so he didn’t mix his medication and accidentally overdose somehow. It was a dance of sharp knives, that he could barely keep up with. Thankfully, Adam had it all written down and taped on the wall next to it so he could remember when his mind got too fuzzy to. When he finished, he splashed some cold water on his face for good measure. He took some deep breaths and slowly made his way back out into the main part of their apartment. 

Through the noise of sizzling and popping of grease, he could hear Adam talking. He wasn’t speaking English, which meant he was talking to his family. Shiro turned the corner and watched as Adam moved around the kitchen, with the phone stuck between his shoulder and ear in an uncomfortable position. Occasionally when he had a hand free, he would take the phone and readjust it. He was still in his work clothes, which Shiro found odd, but he had his cooking apron tied over it. Shiro couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he heard the name of his brother dropped in. 

Shiro was reading through the body language of his fiancé. His shoulders were tense, and he was hunched over. He started to say something in a passionate tone, and he swung the spoon in his hand as he talked in rapid Pashto to his brother, but also splattered some red sauce all over the kitchen. When Adam noticed he cursed but continued on. He was silent as he listened to the other side of the line, and then he heaved a deep sigh. He hung his head and ran a hand through his hair before tugging on it. He replied back something, but he seemed resigned. Shiro had a pit in his stomach because he had a suspicion that Adam was talking about him. When he heard his own named dropped, it was confirmed. He wished that he knew what was making Adam so tense, and it broke his heart just a little that he could be a reason for it. 

Adam turned around at the right angle, and then he saw Shiro for the first time. He let out a yelp, and nearly dropped his phone into one of the many pots he had going but caught it just in time. It would have been funny under any other circumstances. 

“Takashi, when did you get home?” he asked. 

Shiro leaned against the wall. He attempted to cross his arms, but his muscles betrayed him. The jerky movement did not go by Adam though. He eyed them quickly, and then the bracelets before darting back to his eyes. His face was a mask he could not read. And that startled Shiro or a moment. Adam had always been so easy to read, and now it was getting harder. 

“A few minutes ago.”

Adam nodded his head. The smells overwhelmed Shiro again all of a sudden, and he had to hold back a gag. Adam’s eyebrows shot up and a worried look came on his face. He ran over to Shiro and his hands hovered over him like he was afraid he’d hurt him. Though he knew Adam would never hurt Shiro. He could never hurt anyone, at least not intentionally. 

“Are you all right?” he whispered. 

Shiro grit his teeth and jerked his head. “Not a great day,” he managed to grit out. 

Adam’s face formed a grimace. He looked longingly at the food he was making, then back at Shiro. 

“Will you be up for dinner tonight?” he asked. 

Shiro thought for a moment but then shook his head. Adam’s eyes looked disappointed for a moment, but then he nodded. He gently put his arms on his shoulders and massaged them. He knew all the ways to help Shiro relax, and this was one of them. He then kissed his cheek, and then his lips. If tasted the throw-up, he did not mention it. He ran his soft hands through his hair, and it took all of Shiro not to collapse into his touch there. 

“Okay. I will give you something light to eat because you need something. Go rest, I’ll bring it to you soon,” he reassured. 

Adam ushered them into their room, and helped Shiro undress from his uniform and get into comfortable pajamas. Then he tucked Shiro into bed and made sure he was comfortable before he left. As he was leaving, he picked up his phone again and started to talk in hushed tones. Leaving Shiro to wonder when they started to drift apart. 

* * *

The stars had always been in Shiro’s blood. That was what his grandparents had told him growing up under the skies of Seattle. His parents had been astro explorers, who had been taken too soon out of their prime. Leaving Shiro to grow up without them. He saw their faces, along with the others on the crew of the  _ Veritas _ , whenever he walked the halls that led to the West Wing. To get there, you had to go through the Memorial Hall, where shrines were dedicated to the lives lost in the path of courage to discover the unknown. When he needed some courage, he sometimes went there and looked at their smiling faces. The flags of Japan and the United States proudly behind them. Shiro liked to think that they were smiling down at him; that they would be proud of him. Talking to their portrait was cathartic in a way Shiro couldn’t describe. They had died when he was six, meaning any memories he had of them were lost to the depths of his mind. He only had photos and videos, and stories to rely on now. And he treasured every one of them. 

The stars, as much as they had been in his blood, also called to him like a siren song. In the quest of life, Shiro was bound to reach for them. To follow the stars wherever they called him, no matter how hopeless it seemed. When he had just graduated and was fresh, nothing seemed impossible. His dreams were achievable, and he felt invincible. He aimed to be the best, and he was. He broke all the records there were to break, but he was always looking for more. Never satisfied with what he had. He couldn’t help it, this itch that always clawed its way from his heart. He loved his life on Earth, he felt a love so strong for Adam that sometimes it shocked him that he could feel that much for one thing, one person. But that love for Adam seemed to be in a constant tug of war with his love for the stars and the unknown. And lately, it seemed that Adam was starting to lose the battle. And it broke Shiro’s heart a little more every time he realized it. To top it, Shiro had a feeling Adam knew it too but was only tugging harder to keep his grip on Shiro’s heart and love. 

Shiro didn’t know why there was a bench right across from the memorial, but at that moment he was glad for it. He sat down and looked up at the lights that eternally illuminated the portraits. He couldn’t help but see himself in both his parents. He had his father’s gray eyes and his mother’s nose. His mother had curly black hair, while he had inherited his father’s straight. Both their smiles were infectious and big, and Shiro liked to think that he had gotten both of theirs. From what he had been told, he had also somehow taken his mother’s personality. Natsumi Shirogane had always been the life of any room she walked into, a presence and spotlight that shined where she went. Intelligent, ambitious, and loving. His father was a man of few words, but when Yamato was with his wife and his family, he too would become the life of the party. They had both loved Shiro with their entire being, and yet they still left him on Earth to reach for the stars. And Shiro was about to follow the same path they paved for him years later, even if they weren’t alive to see it. 

He sat there for a while. Taking in the silence that the room brought with it. Occasionally someone would walk through, but wouldn’t linger because they had somewhere to be. No one paid Shiro any mind, and he was grateful for it. He hunched over and cupped his face in his hands. 

“I don’t know what to do,” he muttered. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to talk to himself, or somehow converse with his parents’ portraits. 

Shiro wasn’t exactly religious. His parents and family had been raised in a Shinto household. He had learned about all the kami, and how they surrounded all things. But as he sat there, thinking about all the things that have been plaguing him, he had hoped for a little divine intervention. Yet he got none.

* * *

The first thing that Shiro had seen when he got home from training was a wicker basket. Shiro wasn’t sure when they had owned one of those, but he wasn’t privy to think too hard on it. Today had been a good day, nothing happened with his muscles. It had been almost as if he was healthy like he had been before the diagnosis. Shiro was in a good mood, and he wanted to stay in it for as long as possible. Though lately, it seemed more difficult. As the looming launch date was being scheduled, things had been getting tenser between him and Adam. Though Adam was still not willing to fully admit it. 

Adam had come out of their bedroom, and he was dressed nicely. He was in the maroon button-down, that he knew was Shiro’s favorite. And some khaki-colored pants that rolled up at his ankles. He had a brown scarf tied around his neck, and his bronze hair was combed back nicely. When he saw Shiro a smile came on his face. 

He walked up and they kissed. It had lasted longer than the previous ones had lately, and Shiro was thankful for it. Adam had wrapped his warm hand around the back of Shiro’s neck and rubbed his thumb up and down. 

“Go shower and get dressed. I have something for us tonight,” he said. 

Shiro looked back at the wicker basket again and eagerly nodded his head. He took a quick shower and got dressed in his nicest clothes. Which, admittedly not that great, but you couldn’t go wrong with jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket as far as Shiro was concerned. He made sure to brush his teeth again and spray the best cologne he owned. He couldn’t remember the last time they had a true date night, and Shiro was excited about it. 

When he emerged, Adam rolled his eyes at the outfit choice but said nothing. He picked up the basket and held out his other hand for Shiro to take. He grasped Adam’s, and the left the house. Adam walked them to the pickup truck that they owned. They got in and Adam put the keys in the ignition before taking them to their destination. Shiro watched as Adam drove down the interstate, and then slowly towards the more back roads. Bringing them further into the desert and away from civilization. For the first time in months, Adam looked relaxed. No stress lines were prominent on his face. After a while, he pulled over. 

There were no lights as far as the eye could see. In the darkness, one could see the outlines of the mountains that surrounded them in Arizona. They both got out of the car, and Adam opened up the pickup bed and climbed in. He spread the padded blanket he had brought and sat down, opening the basket. He had also brought a small lantern so they could see what they were eating and each other. Shiro followed, marveling in it. Adam poured a glass of sparkling grape juice for the both of them, in some plastic stemware he had bought at the dollar store. Shiro couldn’t drink alcohol anymore, and Adam never did in the first place. But it was the illusion of having a glass of wine with dinner with his fiancé. Shiro wasn’t sure when Adam had made all of the food, but it was delicious as always. Adam’s cooking was one of the many things he had fallen in love with him for. Since their cadet days no less. 

“Cheers,” Adam said, raising his glass. Shiro toasted and their glasses clinked softly, and they both took a small sip. 

It was mostly silence between the two of them. But for once it wasn’t awkward or tense. For a moment, it was like nothing had ever changed with them. Shiro reveled in it. Adam had brought a piece of cake, and fork fed him a bite before spearing a dollop of icing on his nose. Shiro had retaliated quickly. Laughter erupted from both, echoing in the silence of the desert that surrounded them. Shiro felt free as if he could just spread his arms and fly off the ground. He couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so hard with Adam, but he was thankful for the moment in time. 

After they had finished their food, both laid back on the bed of the truck and looked up at the sky above them. The sky had taken on a purple-black hue that night. But the stars stole the show. Out in the middle of nowhere, where no pollution could cover them, they shined bright. The milky way was visible to them, and it made Shiro’s breath catch. It reminded him of how much he loved them, and the longing he had to touch them. 

He felt Adam’s presence get closer, as he went in to cuddle with Shiro. Shiro wrapped his arm around Adam’s shoulders so that he could rest his head on his chest. Adam slowly reached out and traced the outline of the tattoo that was on his right bicep. A simple outline of the constellation Leo; Adam had a similar matching on his left bicep of the Gemini Twins. It seemed so long ago that they had gotten them together. Shiro oftentimes forgot he had it at all. It was at this moment Shiro also remembered how much he loved Adam, and the longing he had to be with him. 

“We should do this more,” Shiro said breaking the silence. 

Adam only nodded his head and hummed. His head was a comforting weight over his heart where it lay. His eyes were glued to the stars that hung above them. They both watched as a comet streaked across the sky and vanished in a blink of an eye. Shiro didn’t truly believe in shooting stars, but maybe tonight he did. 

“This is almost like our first date together,” Shiro then said. 

Adam let out a chuckle and nodded his head. “Yes. I was so nervous.” 

Shiro adjusted so he could see Adam better. Adam had finally looked back to him, his eyes even in the dark glinting like gold. Shiro ran a hand through his soft hair, loving the texture of it. Adam always had the softest hair. The soft smell of shea butter and sandalwood wafted as he did so. 

“Well, you did great. But what you didn’t know, was that I was also working up the courage to ask you out, but you beat me to it,” Shiro admitted. 

Adam gave a small smile; the secret smile that was used only for deeply intimate moments like this. He moved into a better position, and placed his left hand over Shiro’s heart, showcasing the band he wore around his ring finger always. 

“Well, to your credit, you made the next big step before I could gather the courage to, so we each took a shot,” Adam replied.

“That’s true.” 

For a while, they both silent watched as the stars shifted across the sky. The only sounds were their steady breathing. Adam then suddenly sat up and looked down at Shiro. 

“We should get married,” he declared. 

Shiro chuckled. “We already are.” 

Adam shook his head. “No, we should get married. Tomorrow. We can go to the county clerks and get a marriage license, get Matt as our witness and just marry in the courthouse. No big planning. Just us.” 

Shiro then sat up to mirror Adam’s position. Suddenly the bed of the truck seemed uncomfortable where it hadn’t a moment before. Adam’s eyes were wide as he waited for Shiro to say something. 

“Adam, what? What brought this on?” he questioned. It seemed so sudden. So out of the blue.

He looked away from Shiro for a moment, biting his lip. He was nervous, Shiro observed. But why? He swallowed audibly before facing Shiro again. 

“I’ve just been thinking. A lot lately. Your mission is going to take two years. And I know you hate being reminded, and I am sorry, but we should be realistic. When you come home, we don’t know what will be in store for us.  _ For you _ . Takashi, I want to marry you. That is all that matters to me.” He had leaned forward and grasped Shiro’s hands in his, and squeezed tightly.

Adam was right. He did hate being reminded about the constant timer that hung over his head. Every time he went to space, he put his health at risk. Even such low stakes missions often left him in the hospital for a few days to recover and get used to Earth’s gravity. A two-year mission in space to the outer edges of the solar system could bring anything. The worst-case scenario would be that by the time he landed, the gravity of Earth would kill him. He did not want to wish that upon Adam. To be a widower before he even turned thirty. He did not want Adam to watch as he died because his muscles decided they couldn’t keep him alive any longer. 

Shiro let out a sigh. “Adam, let’s think logically.” 

Adam shook his head again. “I have, Takashi. These thoughts have been keeping me up late at night for weeks. Please, let me marry you. Before you leave.” 

He knew deep down that Adam was right. But his own thoughts had plagued him too. And he couldn’t do that to Adam. He wouldn’t. Shiro shook his head. 

“Adam, I think we should marry after the mission. I promise I will. I want to marry you too, you know I do,” Shiro said. 

Adam’s breathing had gotten more shallow. Shiro looked up to see that his eyes had gotten misty. The soft light of the lantern illuminated them. The stress lines had appeared on his face again, and Shiro wanted nothing more than to rub them away forever. 

“You say that, but why wait then?” he persisted. 

Shiro did not want to voice the reasons out loud. So he gave Adam a different one. He brought his hands to his face and slowly kissed them. “Because I love you, and I want it to be perfect.” 

Adam still shook his head. He wasn’t taking the bait. “I don’t care about perfect. I just want to be with you. Takashi, tell me the real reason you don’t want to marry me?” 

Shiro opened his mouth but words refused to come out. He shook his head silently. Adam tugged his hands out like he had been burned. When Shiro looked up he could see that a few tears had fallen from his eyes. Adam hastily wiped them away and then leaped out of the truck bed. Shiro got up to see where he was going. Adam just kept walking into the desert. 

“ADAM!” Shiro shouted. “Where are you going?” 

Adam waved him off and kept walking. “Don’t bother following me. I need some alone time.” 

Shiro didn’t follow Adam. 

* * *

Things did not get better. Shiro had a particularly bad scare, where it had left in in the hospital, and for doctors to run more tests on him. The news hadn’t been great either. His condition was taking sharper turns than they had originally anticipated. When Adam had come to join them, and the news had been broken, his face turned pale as a sheet. It had looked as if he saw Death knocking on his door when it was really looking for Shiro. The doctor had given him a whole new set of prescriptions and then upped the ante on his electro stimulator bracelets. She had also then warned Shiro to slow it down, and not push himself too hard. Adam had written all that she had to say down hastily as she spoke. Shiro thought she had to work on her bedside manner. 

It was at this moment that Adam had first brought up the fact of perhaps scrubbing the mission with him on it would be for the best. That had led to their first real fight over the matter. Adam also never mentioned their wedding again after that night in the desert. Shiro had been released soon after, and both had simmered in their anger as they ate dinner together in silence. That had been the first night Adam slept on the couch, leaving Shiro to be alone in their bed. And it would not be the last. 

The rope that bound his heart was tugging, and it seemed that Adam’s grip was weakening. 

* * *

Though things had been tense between Shiro and Adam, they still took care of each other. Shiro still loved Adam, and he still cared for him. Adam had returned to their bed, but even together it still felt as if there was a wall between them. Matt and Sam had been curious about it, feeling that something was off between the two of them. But Shiro always just brushed the worries aside. It wasn’t much of their business anyway. Though Adam was now back to talking to Shiro, he found that Adam had been in his office more and more. Sometimes he wouldn’t come home until late in the night, and would just come to bed, and be out before the sun was up. 

Keith still came over. He still stayed with them over the holiday breaks. During those times, Adam and Shiro pretended that everything was normal. Adam did not want to hurt or bring Keith into their relationship woes, and Shiro agreed. Though Shiro noticed that the mask did falter whenever Keith excitedly discussed Kerberos with Shiro, while Adam was with them. He would usually formulate an excuse to leave the room and go elsewhere. Shiro wasn’t sure if Keith picked up on it. He hoped he didn’t. 

“Is everything okay between you guys?” Keith asked one day. 

Shiro looked up from his tablet and at Keith. His purple eyes were inquisitive. Shiro gave a smile. 

“What makes you think that it’s not?” 

Keith shrugged his shoulders. “Adam seems a bit sad lately. He always leaves when we start talking. And he doesn’t really look at you.” 

Shiro mentally cursed Keith for being so observant. He let out a sigh. “We’re just going through a rough patch. All couples have them.” 

Keith pursed his lips like he wanted to argue, but let it be for the moment. Shiro was grateful. He wondered how much longer it could go on for. 

* * *

Things had finally come to a head. Shiro wasn’t sure who told Sanda about his condition, but he had been pissed about it. In a moment of pure anger he blamed Adam, but then quickly released the thought. Adam may not have wanted Shiro to go, but he would never have purposefully jeopardized him either. Adam was inherently not a selfish and evil person. But the fact that Shiro had even had that thought, just for even a moment, left him shaken. It left him feeling cold. Then they had hashed out the same argument, in public no less, and left with Adam leaving some kind of ultimatum at his feet. Shiro had been thinking about it all day. 

When he came home, Adam was on the couch absently watching television. Something he didn’t do often. Adam didn’t even acknowledge him as he entered the door and took his shoes. His eyes were glued in front of him. 

“Adam,” Shiro began. 

“-dinner leftovers are in the fridge,” Adam cut him off. There was no emotion in his voice. 

He turned off the television and picked up a book instead. He opened it up and started to read. But Shiro could tell that he wasn’t actually reading the words. Shiro sighed and walked over and sat next to him on the couch. 

“Adam,” he began again. 

Adam let in a deep breath and exhaled before finally looking up. His eyes were red, and the remnants of tears had dried on his face. His hair was a mess. Shiro’s heart broke at the sight. He looked down and saw that the silver band that had adorned Adam’s finger was missing. That nearly shattered Shiro.

“ _ Adha _ ,” he whispered, using the special name only reserved for moments between them. 

Adam sniffled and he squeezed his eyes shut. He shook his head and let out a hiss between his teeth. “Don’t say that,” he whined.

He wiped his eyes and opened them. “Don’t say that unless you mean it.” 

They were at an impasse with each other. A metaphorical crossroads. The choices they will make will determine where they will go. The itch wouldn’t go away. Shiro wasn’t sure if it ever would. He needed to go on this mission, explore the stars like he needed oxygen to breathe. But he also needed Adam’s love too. He wanted it. He loved Adam; he loved him so much. Seeing him hurt felt as if Shiro was getting stabbed in the heart. But no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop it. He was so close, all he had to do was reach for it. He had to try, no matter how weary his arms may get. He wanted to reach the unreachable, he needed to. There was no way to truly articulate it in words. One just had to understand it. His parents had. 

“I’m still going,” he told Adam. There was no way to break it softly. 

Adam broke down crying. Like he had been holding it, but the dam had finally burst. Shiro watched on as Adam gasped for air, and the tears flowed. When he had started to die down, Shiro took him under his arms, and let him cry there too. Adam did not hesitate and continued on. When his breathing came under control and was now panting, he finally spoke. 

“You finally broke my heart,” he whispered. 

A few tears came from Shiro too. “I broke mine too.” 

Shiro held him for a little while longer until Adam finally fell asleep. Though it strained his arms, he carried Adam to their bed and made sure he was safe. Then he slept on the couch and left before the sun was up. 

* * *

The day had finally come. The launch of the  _ Charon _ had become a bit of a spectacle due to PR requirements. Shiro didn’t mind it, he was good at talking in front of crowds, but it was a bit wearisome. Especially since he was still dealing with the emotional aftershocks of his breakup with Adam. But he was ready. He had worked hard to be here, and it would finally pay off. 

It seemed as if the entire Garrison and the population of Phlat City were there to watch. To witness history as the crew of three set off to the farthest reaches of the solar system for the first time. It was noisy, and the cameras were constantly flashing. But through the crowd of people, he saw a familiar face. Adam stood taller than everyone in the crowd. His face was solemn as he looked on. 

Shiro walked over to him. He just wanted to say goodbye. It was awkward. Shiro hated how awkward it was. 

“Commander,” Adam greeted. I was formal. Shiro hated that too. 

“Adam,” he said. Adam nodded. 

“Thank you for coming.” 

Adam crossed his arms. “Classes were canceled to watch. Though I don’t support this, I still support you. Even after everything.” 

Shiro felt a smile creep on his face. Adam did not return it. He looked back at the spaceship his amber eyes glancing up and down. 

“It should get you there and back safely. I did the inspections myself. I will pray for your safe return, Takashi.” 

Shiro nodded. Then he couldn’t help it but he went in for a hug. It wasn’t tight, and Adam barely wrapped his arms around him, but it was something. 

“And I will count the days.” 

“Please don’t.” 

Adam pulled back and he looked melancholy. For good reason. If Shiro was still dealing with their breakup, Adam definitely was. 

“Good luck,” he sighed before he melted back into the crowd leaving Shiro for the last time. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the angst. I hope I did our boys justice. I tried to incorporate how much they loved each other but eventually led on different paths. 
> 
> As always, comments are always appreciated and loved by me. Kudos too :) (but mostly comments tbh) 
> 
> You can come yell at me at my tumblr: adashisoul. 
> 
> Happy New Year, I hope 2020 is good to all of us.


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